“The fire shall be burning continually on the altar; it shall not [be allowed to] go out.”
‭‭Leviticus‬ ‭6:13‬ ‭AMP‬‬

I woke up this morning to a crisp 50 degree morning. Hello fall. As I fired up my old- timey drip coffee maker, I realized that soon I’ll be be back to fire starting and fanning sparks into flames in our wood-stove.

Now, I’m about to veer off the path here a minute. It might feel like a rabbit trail, but I promise I’m coming back around….

I’m a high functioning introvert. I can go most places and be personable, while slightly awkward, until it’s time to go. I leave exhausted and retreat for days with the need to refill my tank. I thrive in my alone time, in the quiet and the solitude.

I find silence to be extremely uncomfortable when I’m with new or strange people, but I can sit in silence for long stretches of time with my people. I don’t need them, or me, to fill every second with endless chatter. When I do talk, I like to go deep. I want to talk dreams, hopes, struggles, concerns. I have no problem whipping my heart out, and placing it right on my sleeve. I know. I’ve been told I can be “a lot”. But small talk….is the most awful awkward. Am I right fellow introverts?

One thing I’ve learned as an introvert with mostly extroverted friends ( I don’t know how that happens) is to keep a friendship alive, you have to make an effort. While sitting in silence with a good introverted friend is a beautiful thing, extroverts require a little more effort. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just what they need. As an introvert married to a man of very few words, I really have to dig deep there.

To keep any relationship alive, you’ve got to be intentional. Just because I’ve learned this, doesn’t mean I’ve mastered it. In fact, I have failed miserably on several fronts. One thing this past year and a half has taught me is that the things in life have to be curated. We have to choose how we spend our time, energy and talents. The challenge is to spend wisely.

I can go inward and be introspective for long stretches of time. Weeks and sometimes months can pass by without me engaging. It’s kind of a character flaw. However, if I don’t reach out, engage, respond or pursue, my relationships and friendships wither. Have you ever had a plant that got really dry and withered away to almost nothing, but you watered it and nursed it to life….only to allow it to happen again? The reviving gets a lot harder the second time around.

You’re wondering where I’m going with this right? A fire left to itself goes out. I learned this the hard way with that wood-stove of ours. Winters here can be ew. I grew up in Texas where winter is not really a thing. But winters here can hit hard. Literally. I’ve fallen on black ice more times than I care to recall. Another rabbit trail… last year I wiped out on the driveway in the most magnificent way, and praise THE LORD it was just out of our driveway cameras range. My family would have never let it die if the camera would have caught it. And I digress…

I work from home and I am the person who is here the most. Keeping the fire going usually falls to me. Starting fires on overcast days is a lot of work, and a little annoying. There have been times I’ve worked exceedingly hard to get a fire going, got busy or distracted and let the fire go out. I have learned that if I want to stay warm, I have to work at it. I have to move through a process. I have to spark a flame and get the kindling going, then I need to add to the fire, check on it, and feed it. Depending on the atmospheric conditions, fire building can be a chore or a breeze. When the evening comes, the sweet spot is getting the fire hot enough so that in the morning I’ve got hot coals. Hot coals make for a much easier day.

Marriage, friendship, faith. Any relationship is like this. You can’t just leave it to itself and hope it stays burning. You have to fan the flames and feed the fire. You have to be intentional to keep it going so it doesn’t die out, and different seasons and conditions will determine the effort it will take. Fires require mostly constant attention, and neglect will put them out.

Neglected fires can be sparked again. Unfortunately, neglect can be fatal where relationships are concerned. Have you ever tried to share your heart with someone, and open up about your concerns or dreams and they seem bored, uninterested or refuse to hold a conversation with you? Ouch. That thing gets deader than dead, real quick.

And you know what? You can work really hard at being intentional. You can do all of the inviting, and the reaching out. You can do all of the opening up while trying to keep the fire burning hot, and it might still go cold. You can plan all of the dates and anniversaries, give all of the compliments and still dry up from relational drought. Relationship flames require reciprocity, and that’s the trickiest part of it all.

This is partly where quality comes in, and quantity is sacrificed. It’s like multi-tasking; you can do a lot of things at once but none of them well. Relationships are the same way. When you’re focused on quantity, and connecting with the masses, quality usually takes a back seat.

We can choose to have a handful of real, strong and special relationships. If we feed, nourish and grow them with time and care, we make room for depth and substance. We can create space for deep roots. I think sometimes pride can trick us into believing that we can or need to be, all things to all people. We try to be everywhere, every day. We say yes to every request, event, invitation because “if I don’t go…” or “ if I don’t do it, who will?” We try to be everyone’s best friend because they need us. We’ll save FOMO for another day.

On the flip side of that pride of believing we are what everyone needs, is a form of idolatry that makes people and our relationships the source of all things. We can’t survive without the attention, validation or approval of people. If we aren’t at every party, meal or event, we’re left feeling empty and lacking. That the more people that are on our friends lists, in our group texts, or privy to our personal lives, the more valuable, important and worthy we are.

This is the power of keeping the right fires going. When relating to people, we have certain responsibilities. We have a part to play. We have choices to make. There are times we need to say no to make room for our best yes’s. When we curate our relationships, we have a responsibility to remember the order of importance. When we focus on quantity, we run the risk of spreading ourselves thin with so many people, that those who should be the most important aren’t nurtured and cared for. The even greater risks are a puffed up pride that believes things can’t go on without us there, or placing people on the throne of our hearts when people were never meant to sit there.

So how do we decide order? What fires do we keep burning and which ones do we allow to go out? If you’re a person of faith, there is a biblical order. A relational hierarchy, if you will.

1. God

2. Spouse

3. Children

4. Everyone else.

How do you fan the flames if those fires have gone out? It starts with returning to your first love.

My relationship with my Father in Heaven is the most important relationship. It has to be. If I want to keep any fire going, this is where I start building. He is always waiting, and ready for me to walk with Him. To nurture our relationship and grow it, I need to choose to spend time with Him; to carve out space for worship, prayer, reading His word. I need to leave open space for solitude and silence and His still small voice. This is where I gain the wisdom, grace and direction to not only walk, but walk well with others.

My time with Jesus is special. It’s where I look in the mirror, and am transformed into the person that holds more kindness, compassion and care. When I carve out time to be with Him, I am met by grace and mercy and learn to extend it in my relationships. My God hears me, sees me, and honors me. He holds my dreams and hopes, and even collects every tear I shed. He is an active and present listener.

When I am filled up with His love, and firmly planted in my identity as His child, I am better able to walk through my relational woes. I can love people more fully and purposefully without needing their love to be returned to feel worthy of love. Moments of rejection that rise up when I am met by relational neglect from others, are minimized and less painful because I’m rooted and grounded in His love for me.

If you’ve allowed some fires to go out, or have lost all drive to keep working on fanning those flames, this is where I recommend starting: Falling in love with the one who loves you with everlasting love. Then reassess what and who is important. Put things back into order. Time and attention might change from season to season depending on the need. Maybe you had more time to connect relationally in past seasons, and the one you’re in now requires you to be more present in your home. Or perhaps your children have grown up and gone to college and you have space to fan some friendship flames. Reassess. Curate. Cultivate. Go gather up some fire building tools and work on the fires you’re called to.

Some of the best tools for re-building relational fires: Wisdom from trusted friends who have rebuilt their own. Giving sincere apologies. Actively listening even if it hurts a little. Serving and loving sacrificially.

“The Lord appeared from of old to me [Israel], saying, Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you. [Deut. 7:8.]”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭31:3‬ ‭AMPC‬‬