I’m on the threshold of a major transition in my life. A door was closed that I never would have closed, if it were up to me. And yet, here I am. I have had every emotion over the past month.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Grief.

Hope.

Anticipation.

And then I cycle back through those main emotions.

This season I am going in to leaves a lot of questions open ended, and that’s a problem for me.

I am a trauma survivor, and a major part of my adult life has been carefully curated and measured control. I like to know, and do what I can, to make sure I’m safe. Physically. Financially. Emotionally.

Have there been moments of unpredictable life circumstances? Absolutely. Did I handle them well? Usually not.

I am a planner. I like my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted. I crave a fair amount of predictability and safety, but God.

He’s calling me to trust Him in a new season. The door is closed and I don’t even see another door. I have, literally, no ideas about next. Nothing. It’s blank up there.

I do know that what’s next will require some sacrifice and work and that my flesh could try to get in the way. I highly suspect that fear and worry might try to steal my peace and joy.

This situation I am in reminds me of Pippin in Lord of the Rings (just allow my nerdy side an indulgence here) when he’s looking out over the land waiting for a great battle that’s about to occur. Pippin tells Gandolf “I don’t want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can’t escape is worse.”

And there it is. Sliding down the mountain into the valley. The coming battle. The sacrifices. The crucifying of this pesky flesh. The learning of patient trust and resting in His promises.

I want to skip the passing through, BUT God in his kindness, yes kindness, sometimes gives us a blessing with a limp and a calling with a thorn.

I am reminded of the story of Jacob wrestling with a stranger, who ends up being God, in the wilderness. The story always confused me, and frankly I always thought it was weird that he would be wrestling with God. Who does that?

We all do. We wrestle with Him when we choose our way over His. We wrestle when we choose disobedience over obedience, and comfort over discomfort. We wrestle when life doesn’t go our way, and when it’s time to pry our hands off of things we don’t want to let go of.

The ugly thing for me to admit right now, is I find that I’ve been a lot like Jacob; Self sufficient, strong willed and stubborn. It’s in this season that I am learning that it’s the limp that reminds me that I can do nothing in my own strength. It’s the wrestling that keeps me from spiritual apathy, and placing God on the shelf in my self sufficiency.

Maybe you’re like me? You have found yourself in a wilderness, wrestling in a battle that will bend, break and remake you. I want to just exhort you that the limp, or the thorn, is a blessing. Don’t see it as anything but.

Why? It might not seem like it, or even feel like it, but limps and thorns come from battles that weren’t meant to be our ruin, but our transformation. Those limps and thorns remind us to humbly rely on God, the author and finisher.

We live in a culture that celebrates success and mocks defeat, but sometimes defeat is a mercy and oftentimes it is what saves us from ourselves. So when we lose our wrestling match with God, and we will, His merciful hands will remake us into something better.

When Jacob and the stranger come to the end of their wrestling match, Jacob is given and limp and met with a question:

“What is your name?”

And for the first time in his story, Jacob is honest with himself and with the stranger. He is Jacob, the trickster and manipulator. A stubborn, self- serving jerk. He confesses the ugliness within him, and his transformation begins.

“When He saw that He had not overcome him, He struck the socket of his hip, so He dislocated the socket of Jacob’s hip when He wrestled with him. Then He said, “Let Me go, for the dawn has broken.” But he said, “I won’t let You go unless You bless me.” Then He said to him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he said. Then He said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but rather Israel, for you have struggled with God and with men, and you have overcome.””
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭32‬:‭26‬-‭29‬ ‭TLV‬‬

God is asking me who I am, and for the first time I’m realizing and confessing that I’m a person that ties a lot of my worth on the tangible things I can produce. I put a lot of trust in myself and the paychecks that hit my bank account.

And some days, this is the hardest one to confess out loud, I don’t know that I really (always) believe that God is kind.

Friend, some of us are prone to wrestle, just like we’re prone to wander, and you know what? God is ok with getting down in the mud with us in our wrestling. He will go toe to toe and get dirty with us, but He will also expect us to be honest with Him. Who are we? Who have we been?

Maybe you’re just wrestling with questions and emotions, and maybe it’s God Himself that’s your opponent. Either way, He can handle it. He is willing to get dirty to lift you out of your mud and mire. At the end of yourself and your wrestling, He will tell you who you really are and show you how to walk that out.

And fellow wrestler, if you’re wrestling it means you haven’t quit. You haven’t grown apathetic or complacent, and you haven’t placed God on some dusty old shelf out of sight and mind.

Maybe you don’t even realize it yet, but you’re also not resigned to remaining the same as you’ve always been. Your flesh may be screaming and clawing for the security of what is known and familiar, but your wrestling is ushering in the transformation your spirit is craving.

You, wrestler, are close to the Father. Arms wrapped so tightly, refusing to let go. The only question I have for you now, is will you respond sincerely and honestly when He asks you who you are?

What joy I am finding in the truth that He is a God that never lets me go, that holds on through the wrestling and all of my questioning. He is the God of Jacob, a God whose love endures through the longest night and the muddiest fight.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Messiah may dwell in me.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭TLV‬‬