” Find someone who has no agenda except to listen without judging and to love without any strings attached.” Sam Chand.

When I began my journey through healing Complex PTSD that stemmed from childhood trauma, sexual assault and abuse, Tammy was the first person I told. That is a big deal. Not only is healing complex trauma exhausting and extensive work, but I battled for a short time with feeling like my faith was weak. I also struggled with feeling like other Christians might not understand why I was going to therapy, and for a while I was very careful when it came to who I shared parts of that journey with.

Tammy is someone I know I can call day or night, and she will listen and then respond with care, compassion, and most importantly, BIBLICAL TRUTH. She is someone I feel safe to share my deeper prayer needs with, and she is also someone I trust to call me out and hold me accountable when it’s needed. Tammy has one of those laughs that is infectious. I seriously love the sound of it. She is not only intelligent, but wise. She loves words, and is insightful. She is joy personified and that joy is evidence of the Holy Spirit that is living within her. My favorite thing about Tammy is she loves people well, and handles them with great care. My prayer today as you read her story, is that you would know that He is the God who sees, knows, and loves you more than you can imagine.

“I don’t remember a time that I didn’t know about God and go to church, sometimes more regularly than others. My grandfather had been a preacher, and we always sang gospel songs when the family gathered. God was a part of my world. I would say my childhood was pretty normal, good even, until age 11, when my parents divorced.

My mom, sister, and I moved to Maryland, 1000 miles away from my dad, to be closer to my mom’s family. I was a daddy’s girl…I was heartbroken. The security I had always known was gone; my entire world was turned upside-down. I connected with a group of friends that went to church and got involved there. That gave me some stability. Things weren’t that great at home and I missed my dad desperately. I felt like an outcast, and for the first time in my life I was getting teased at school. I was completely unsure of how to deal with any of the changes that had happened in my life. Over the next several years I dealt with abusive family situations. I began searching for someone to love me, though I didn’t know what that looked like, and the search only brought more heartache. At age 20, I got pregnant and I was unmarried. I didn’t feel I could bring a baby into the abusive, chaotic home life I had and I couldn’t afford to live on my own, much less provide for a child. I had an on-again/off-again relationship with God. I had times that I was walking with Him and seeking Him, and times that I strayed far from Him. When I became pregnant, He was my only friend. I was ostracized by some in the church, many of my friends turned away, but God never left me. I ended up giving my baby up for adoption. Leaving the hospital without my baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever been called to do, but I felt confident it was the right thing.

I started going to church while I was pregnant and learning more about God, developing a relationship with Him. Several months after I gave my baby up for adoption, I ended up engaged to a man I had met in Sunday School, and we were married a year later. Things seemed okay at first. The changes were so subtle and happened so slowly, that I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten. I had been in an abusive marriage for 20 years and hadn’t even realized it, because he never hit me. He was financially, emotionally, and verbally abusive. He also gas-lighted me, and had me convinced it was all my fault. God led me to a job with a domestic abuse center as a legal assistant, and it was there I realized what I was living with was, most definitely, abuse. I knew I needed to get out, but wasn’t sure how. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and he immediately went to the pastor of the church we attended, and I ended up dealing with church discipline. I was no longer allowed to lead music at VBS and wasn’t even allowed to sing at my aunt’s funeral (because it was held in our church). Keep in mind, I never left my husband, I was still in the house, I just let him know how I felt. I finally agreed to counseling with our associate pastor. I thought it would be marriage counseling, but it turned out my husband only went a few times while I attended sessions for the better part of three years. At the time, I felt this was so unfair and railed at God. Looking back, I can see how God was taking care of me, and beginning the healing process.

The abuse ramped up once I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and I discovered he was also abusive to our three children.  Once I found that out, I started looking for a way to get out.  That day finally came when he escalated to a point that I was unsure of my ability to protect myself.  I knew if I couldn’t protect myself, there was no way I could protect my kids.  We left the next day.  At the time, I had no job and no place to live.  A dear friend and her husband took us in and let us live with them for 3 ½ months, while I got a job and found an apartment.  

During this time, I was angry!  Angry at the people in my church who turned their back on me and judged me, angry at God who allowed it to happen, and very distrustful of organized religion.  I am so thankful that through all of this, there were people praying for me!  

After almost a year of my friend asking me to attend Way of Life (now Freedom) church with her, I finally agreed.  The moment I sat in the service; I knew I had come home.  It was the Sunday that the group catalog opened. I pored over the groups and after reading the description for a freedom group, knew I had to be in one, NOW!  I joined a freedom group led by Tina and Joy. God continued His healing work through this group of precious ladies that became some of my closest friends.  He drew me back to Himself, He showed me that I can trust Him, that He is faithful.  He showed me the difference between religion and relationship – that’s a BIG one.  See, relationship with God is what it’s all about and what I had been missing for so long.  I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to do the right things; it’s not about me at all.  It’s ALL about Him.  He has been so gracious to give me friends that point me to Him, a community of believers that encourage, teach, and desire for others to grow closer to our Father.  

Life is not suddenly easy, it’s still HARD!  I’m still dealing with many issues from my past, things like complex PTSD, insecurities, parenting children who have complex PTSD and other issues resulting from the abuse and still dealing with the abuser.  BUT GOD!  He is there, many times carrying me through it, always guiding me.  He knows me and still longs to be in relationship with me.  He has grown my prayer life, my knowledge of Him, my love for Him.  I am more in awe of Him every day!  He’s given me vision and a promise.  He is my lifeline and without Him I would be nothing. “

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11-13‬ ‭NLT‬‬