First, let me just start by telling you what this post is not about. Perhaps the title was a little click-baity and you’re already on edge waiting to rebut my opinion. This is not about conspiracy theories, or theories in general. It is, however, all about some personal and social observations I’ve made during this pandemic and my time in quarantine. I should also tell you that I am not an educated person, and I am definitely no expert at anything. I have so much to learn, and so far to go before I have “arrived” at anything in particular.

The first thing God began to show me personally during this pandemic were the areas I had erected false idols in my life. My false sense of security in world systems, economies, “normalcy” and the routines I had built around “normal”. Almost immediately all of the certainties in my life, my career, the plans I had made, everything… started shaking. As my life and sense of security and control began to crumble into uncertainty God led me to, and gave me eyes to really see Hebrews 12:26-28

At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”^[a] 27 The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.²⁸ Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,

I grew up in chaos, uncertainty, and some days just felt generally unsafe. As I aged and walked into adulthood and parenthood, I began to carefully cultivate security and control in my environment. If people seemed unsafe or untrustworthy, I avoided them. Driving after dark scared me, so I made sure I was home before dark, because if I didn’t the chest squeezing anxiety made my fears larger than life. I made up my mind that if I needed to push people out and isolate myself to keep from being controlled, that is exactly what I’d do. I walked away from a number of friendships because I started to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and I didn’t want anyone to have an upper hand on me. I also grew up in extreme poverty. There were uncertainties at times about bills being paid, or utilities being shut off. Sometimes the best meal I ate all day was at school. So, in adulthood I have always found myself striving to make sure I have enough financially so I never have to experience that again. I am responsible for some credit card debt because I would spend crazy amounts at the grocery store trying to make certain I wouldn’t go without. Maybe I’ll tell you more about that another time. Thankfully, as God has peeled back the layers of my life and fears like an onion, I have walked into freedom at each step. He is still working on me, and I am so thankful He never walks away from the ugly stuff under the surface.

God has used Covid to highlight for me some of the ways I have gripped security, scrambled for control, and allowed fear to consume me. Fear of death. Fear of lack. Fear of financial ruin. It’s shown me my idols of self sufficiency, job security, routine and all of the shaky places I’ve placed my trust for provision. God has especially used it to reveal the ugliest of uglies in my heart: pride. Pride because I foolishly believed that at any given time, I have had control over any of it. So gross. The reality is, I am not in control of anything. And you know what? I’m typing this today because I’m looking around, and I am observing that I am not the only one who struggles and strives for security, safety, or control, and I’m not the only one who fears being controlled. I’m seeing that fear and pride manifest itself in the ways we interact with and disagree with each other on how a global pandemic “should” be handled. I see it in the divisions on social media that are cropping up again. I see it in the fears of government control, conspiracy theories, questions. Even in the submission and the strict observance of the rules and mandates. I see hands holding tightly to the past and desperately trying to drag it along into the uncertain future. I see worlds being rocked because plans and dreams were ruined by the unforeseeable. I see it from far left to far right. It’s not a condition that misses any of us. And in all of this we forget one important thing; God is sovereign over it all.

So what am I doing with that reality? I’m repenting. I’m confessing that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, and I NEVER have. I’m loosening my grip. I’m leaning into trust. I am opening His word and reminding myself of His promises. I am asking Him to open my eyes to see His every day miracles, the ones I would have missed in my “normal” state of mind and striving. I am also reminding myself that all of my days are numbered, and that NOTHING will take me one day sooner or later than He has ordained.

In 12 months any given number of us could be dead from disease, disaster, accident, and frankly any number of things. There are so many uncontrollable’s, so living each day as it plays out is really all any of us can intentionally do. We can make our plans, and I believe dreaming and looking forward are important, but we need to keep our hands open as we do so. If we are gripping our plans so tightly our world is thrown off of it’s axis when some of those plans never bear fruit, we will miss the miracle, the protection and direction God has for us. And y’all. I’m talking to myself here too.

And maybe control and security have never been your idols. Maybe instead you fill yourself and every spare moment up with relationships and friendships, and now you find yourself being shaken because you don’t know how to be alone with yourself? Perhaps your idol is busyness and this full stop has left your wheels spinning, and you don’t know how to rest? Or do you chase success and titles, making your accomplishments your identity and without them you have no idea who you are? Maybe your job has become the top priority, and now you’re jobless and facing quarantine with a family you’ve allowed to become strangers? Whatever it is for you, God wants to take the place of it. He is inviting you into this moment in time, and calling you take some things off of the throne that is rightfully His so He can give you the unshakable.

The wonderfully awesome thing is, as I have leaned into trust and loosened my grip on control, I have seen His hand over my life in so many ways that I likely would have missed or possibly taken the credit for. In what was previously season after season of NO MARGIN, He is cultivating a slow, quiet stillness that has been an opportunity to really be still and know. In the pileated woodpecker who has been feasting in my yard, I am reminded that He feeds the birds and He’ll feed me. In the renewal of my eye glasses prescription when I still need to see the eye doctor; He’ll supply all of my needs. In the gift of two winters worth of free fire wood split and stacked by my neighbor;He does exceedingly and abundantly above all we expect or imagine.

My heart for you today as you read this, is that if any of this resonates, you will stop gripping so tightly to control and a false sense of security. That you would stop striving to make yourself safe, protected, untouchable, and that you would not shut people out or down because you feel vulnerable. Instead, I pray that you would find rest in the shadow of His wings, rejoice in the gift of today, and look to the future with hope as He directs your steps. Receive the unshakable peace, joy, and kingdom He has waiting for you.

Here are some things you can cling to:

Jeremiah 29:11 ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Matthew 6:26 ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Luke 12:22-26 ²² Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴ Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life^[a]? ²⁶ Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?

Revelation 1:17 When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last.

Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.