Last week, photos went viral of Chrissy Teigen bent over in a hospital bed, weeping over the loss of her baby. I didn’t have to read what accompanied the photos to know the deep pain and grief she was experiencing. I’d been there three times, and the pain on her face was recognizable, heart-wrenching, and real. For those of us who have been there: on the floor of the bathroom or on a cold hospital bed, our hearts ache because we know the depth of this loss. Pregnancy and infant loss isn’t something we all sit around and discuss over coffee. And unfortunately, when you do open up about it you’re sometimes met with phrases like “you’ll get pregnant again”. If you’re reading this and you’ve said something similar, I want to offer you this: you don’t have to say anything to be present, and you don’t have to understand a particular pain to acknowledge it exists.

One thing I love about small groups, and even social media, is that sometimes people are brave enough to start uncomfortable conversations about things we think we’re going through alone. I truly believe that healing comes when we know we’re not alone. If you are a woman who has walked through this type of loss, what I hope you find here is validation, encouragement, and hope. Your feelings of loss are real; You have experienced a great loss. You don’t have to carry a baby to full term to love them with your whole heart, and you don’t have to hold that baby in your arms to miss them when you can’t. For the mama who wonders if something is wrong with you because you don’t feel the loss as deeply as you think you should, I want you to know we all grieve and process that grief differently, nothing is wrong with you. And for the mama who blames herself, I need you to know that you did not cause this loss. It is not your fault, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. For the mama who has held that beautiful baby and had to find the strength to let them go, I can’t imagine the depth of your pain. I am so very sorry.

I can’t tell you I understand why any of us ever experience the loss of a pregnancy or a child, but I do not believe God is to blame. Scripture tells me that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy but Jesus came so that we would have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). I believe the promise that one day, God will wipe every tear from our eyes (Revelation 21:4), and that anyone who has received salvation and accepted Jesus as their Lord and personal savior will one day dwell where there is no more night (Revelation 22:5). I believe our babies already dwell in the safety of my Father’s heavenly arms, held by perfect love.

I pray that any woman that might read Emily’s words today, and who is in the midst of this particular pain, would feel held and comforted by God, who draws close to the brokenhearted. I pray the pain and grief she feels would be covered with a healing balm of hope. You are not alone. You are seen and greatly loved.

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭56:8‬ ‭MSG‬‬

“I have prayed about this so many times and asked the Holy Spirit for strength and direction to share a small part of my testimony that has impacted me over the past few years. My word for 2020 is vulnerability. I want to stay true to that word by starting to be open and letting people into my heart and life.

One part of my testimony is the physical healing that I had recently! I had a successful surgery on Monday, July 6, 2020 for my ongoing battle with endometriosis. I’m slowly healing day by day. Endometriosis is one of those silent and painful things that women are forced to push through every day. I never really complain about my pain because I hate to be a burden to anyone and just tend to suck it up. But back in December 2019, I went through lots of scans and tests that resulted in my doctor finding a complex cyst on one of my ovaries. He was worried about my pain level and other circumstances that lead to the decision of surgery.

During surgery, he removed tons of endometriosis scar tissue, but the cyst that he was worried about originally, was COMPLETELY gone! I had so many people pray over and for me the week of my surgery. Those prayers proved that our God is a healing God! I still have a lot more healing to go, but what an awesome testimony of His faithfulness! I am extremely thankful for my amazing doctor for consistently listening to my fears and pain levels without judgment. The team at GBMC was truly incredible!

I have always been private about my personal life (especially when it comes to my health) and very careful of who I share things with and when, which is a healthy trait at times. I lead a group of college-age students at my church and always ask them to be vulnerable because you never know how much your story can affect someone, and bring freedom into your life by declaring truth over your circumstances. SO here I go, stepping out in faith and obedience through my own personal freedom and healing, and God’s unfailing faithfulness and grace.

I do want to start off with this…it’s okay to process things on your own and in your own timing. You don’t have to publicly heal. And that doesn’t mean you’re running away from your problems. It’s also okay to see a counselor or therapist if you need help processing your emotions or mental health. Sometimes we need a combo #1 of Jesus and a mental health professional, with a side of Christian counseling. Everyone is different and so are your circumstances. So do what’s best for you!

I’m going to take a deep breath and try to type this…on Thursday, December 2, 2016 I had an ectopic pregnancy. I won’t go into major detail, but it was such a painful pregnancy experience emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.

That day and the days after changed my life forever. Every time December rolls around I get this giant knot in my stomach, and a wave comes crashing down of grief, shame, sadness, confusion, and other emotions that I can never really explain or comprehend.

I haven’t really spoken about this very painful piece of my life, because I wasn’t ready to share what I went through until I started healing from the inside out. Pastor Josh Finely said it best, “Speak from your scars and not your wounds”.

Healing and grief are different for everyone, and for me it’s been a process. There isn’t a timeline for grief and it’s okay to mourn what was. I was afraid to talk about what happened because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to face the reality of the trauma of what I went through. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable and open this private and painful part of my life story. 

One thing after another happened after my pregnancy loss. I felt numb. I felt like no one fully understood what I was going through. My life was nothing but bed rest and doctor appointments for a short period. But after I fully recovered and went through a terrible breakup in the midst of that time, I went to what I knew best. I was filling up my schedule to stay busy, drinking until I blacked out, and trying to constantly fill those voids that got taken away from me and were dramatically missing. I fell into a deep depression and had constant haunting, suicidal thoughts. I questioned God and even walked away from Him for a bit.

Through the years I have had people say to me, “Oh when you have kids you’ll understand” or “Your biological clock is ticking”, “When will you find a nice man and settle down?” or “When are you planning on having kids?”. Most of these comments were completely innocent and not malicious at all, because how would they know that I was a mother (for a short period), but they are no longer here? How do I explain that one of my deepest desires is to be married with kids? How do I tell them that every baby shower that I went to that past year and even to this day are a little emotional? Everyone is facing a battle that you may not know about, so please be kind and offer grace every opportunity you get.

I had a fear that if I didn’t talk about it then it never happened. I felt like I would be forgetting that huge hole in my heart and missing piece of my life, but that’s so not the case. Sometimes healing is silent and slow at your own pace, like it was for me. Sometimes it’s just sharing with one person or sometimes sharing with 100 people.

Each year that went by, women would share their stories and testimonies about losing a child or children…and my heart would break (and still does). It builds my faith reading stories on social media of what they went through and how brave these women are by sharing. Here I was on the other side of the screen with my own similar story, in tears and filled with gratefulness that they opened their hearts to share with the hope of encouraging some stranger that they have maybe never met. Now hear me out…I’m not saying you have to dump your life story on social media or put up a billboard airing your dirty laundry. BUT I will say that sharing my story little by little, when I felt comfortable, has been a huge part of my healing.

I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but for those who have lost a child or children, went through a miscarriage, struggle or struggled with infertility, endometriosis or even experienced an ectopic pregnancy…you are not alone. I see you. I love you. I hear you. And even when you feel like no one understands, God does. We serve a God who is close to the brokenhearted and I’m so incredibly thankful for that. I always remember that “And if not, He is still good.” 

I am also sharing this as part of my healing process, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading. If anyone needs to talk, please feel free to reach out to me. It takes a village and I am so incredibly thankful for mine!”

” you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” Genesis 50:20 AMP