Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve come around here. I’ve been, well…. I’ve just been at a loss for words. This likely won’t be the most well laid out post, or even one that makes a lot of sense. BUT, It’s me, right where I am, and hopefully someone reading will feel a little less alone. More importantly, my hope is that they are left feeling encouraged.

I noticed it a few months ago. I had an old familiar trauma resurface. A person pushing into a wound I’ve been working with Jesus and a therapist to cleanse and heal for a couple of years. In they came, busting in with screeching and gnashing. Scratching, digging, a pouring of salt and a dash of lemon (ouch). I was knocked flat on my butt. I spent a good three days, completely triggered. My husband outwardly cringes and huffs at that term. I get it. It’s been so…. overused. But it’s the best way I can describe it. Anyway, for three days I struggled. I could hardly get myself out of bed. I cried. I freaked out over the noises of life. I couldn’t sleep. I ate an entire cake… alone. I said I was fine. I admitted I wasn’t so fine only to find I was fine again.

I’ve been walking in and out of that trauma for months. Now there are a few more things, some more serious than others, re-opening the wound, and stoking my fear fire. So I go to work again. I’ve been Recognizing it. Processing it. Putting it down, and despite my best efforts, sometimes I pick it back up. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I was beginning to spiral out this evening, feeling the weight of the world pressing in, and I could feel that old familiar hand tighten around me. The squeeze of triggered trauma. The hyper vigilance that sets me on the track of anticipating moods, actions and reactions, tones and facial features, and what it all might mean. My mind starts trying to figure out how to minimize any danger coming my way in order to protect myself. Even when I haven’t been in any real danger for YEARS, my brain still finds its way to fight or flight. The fear tries to take a seat and get cozy.

Then the angst and frustration at little, every day noises. That’s how it usually begins to boil over for me , and when I finally realize what’s really cooking. The slurping of a smoothie… slurrrrp. The tick of a clock… tick…tick…tick… Something crashes on the other side of the house and I startle. The drop of a hula hoop, thump…thump..THUMP. I want to crawl out of my skin! The frustration begins to rear its ugly head.

The truth is there are things in this life that make me feel out of control. The world starts to seem very dangerous and I am afraid. Today it came out in frustration, and other days it’s crying. I’ve always been highly sensitive, but on these days my sensitivity is heightened, out of place, awkward. I get embarrassed because I can’t contain or get ahold of my emotion. In my fear and feelings of things being out of control, I feel like the bottom is coming out and I grapple and panic. I cry or I snap or both. Then I withdraw. I prickle. I don’t want to be touched. It all feels and sounds and seems… TOO MUCH. WAY. TOO.MUCH.

This is my experience of living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress. How I got here is a long story that I’m not ready to get in to, and Complex PTSD is just that, complex. But I have learned some things about living abundant life, even while working through this mess of emotion. THAT is what I’d like to get in to here today.

In the Bible, Jesus says “the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy but I have come that you might have life more abundantly.” I think in American culture, our focus and hope for abundant living drifts towards celebrity or sometimes we make the mistake of believing that abundant life is cars, houses, clothes and anything that glistens or shines. We might even be fooled into thinking it comes in the form of financial blessing, stability, comfort and uninterrupted happiness for all of our days. If we don’t dig a little deeper into the true meaning of abundant living, we’re only robbing ourselves of what Christ really wanted us to have. I am not saying that blessing doesn’t sometimes come in the form of financial provision or even nice things. However, when I look around the world and see Christians with absolutely nothing of the sort, who endure persecution and pain I can’t even begin to imagine while at the same time living with a deep and abiding assurance and joy; I know there must be more to abundant life and life more abundant.

When I have my moments of complete overwhelm, I try to come back around to the truth of abundance from a God who sees me in my panic, and holds me close. Perhaps Jesus, who had no place to lay His head (Luke 9:58), who suffered and laid down His life so that we could be reconciled to God, meant something totally different when he promised us abundant life. Something more like:

Abundant peace.

“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” [My conquest is accomplished, My victory abiding.]”
‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Abundant hope.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Abundant joy.

“YOU HAVE MADE KNOWN TO ME THE WAYS OF LIFE; YOU WILL FILL ME [infusing my soul] WITH JOY WITH YOUR PRESENCE.’”
‭‭Acts‬ ‭2:28‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Abundant love.

“For I am convinced [and continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt] that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the [unlimited] love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:38-39‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Abundant life.

“I assure you and most solemnly say to you, he who believes [in Me as Savior—whoever adheres to, trusts in, relies on, and has faith in Me—already] has eternal life [that is, now possesses it]. I am the Bread of Life [the Living Bread which gives and sustains life].”
‭‭John‬ ‭6:47-48‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Maybe you’re reading this today and you are suffering unfathomable pain and loss and just can’t even imagine ever feeling hope, joy or peace again. You might be someone who has lost everything you worked for in the tsunami of covid and closures. Maybe your character is being assassinated in public forums by complete strangers, and you can’t believe and definitely can’t stop the things being said about you. Perhaps none of this even closely applies to your life, and you’ve just believed the lie that you couldn’t live abundantly with anything less than possessions, wealth, and accolades but now that you have all of that it has left you wanting. Where do you start looking for that abundance of life Jesus has for you?

I think it’s as simple as asking God, and as difficult as learning. Why? Because the promise of God is that He will do exceedingly and abundantly above ALL we can think or imagine, and the apostle Paul said he “learned to be content”. Learning is often difficult, and more often than not, requires life experience. If we can learn to be content, no matter what, we can have life more abundantly. If you’re ready, grab God’s hand and He will help you as you learn how to cultivate contentment. And as you learn and grow your contentment muscle, you will find that you don’t wander off into those uncertain, panicky places as easily. When everything falls apart or you’re faced with the “ew”stuff of life that makes your skin crawl, you return to peace, hope and joy much quicker. And like the apostle Paul, you will learn the secret of facing life and whatever it brings:

“Not that I speak from [any personal] need, for I have learned to be content [and self-sufficient through Christ, satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or uneasy] regardless of my circumstances. I know how to get along and live humbly [in difficult times], and I also know how to enjoy abundance and live in prosperity. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret [of facing life], whether well-fed or going hungry, whether having an abundance or being in need. I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:11-13‬ ‭AMP‬‬

When I look back over the past few years, I can see how far God has brought me, and how rooted and grounded in His love for me I am. Those three days I struggled to get out of bed, used to be weeks and months. Words said by strangers would not only hurt me, but make me wonder who I was. There was a time I was not be able to use my voice to assert myself against the things that made me feel unsafe, or recognize the ways my body held on to trauma. I’m still learning, and feeling the pain that accompanies the heavy lifting of leaning into living that promised abundant life, and God has shown up time and again to bring an increase of all of the things that truly matter; Love, joy, peace, patience, perseverance, kindness, gentleness and hope.

If you’re ready to lean in and cultivate that contentment, I would love to pray for you today:

Heavenly Father, we thank you for your great love, a love that crossed the chasm for us. The love that stretched arms wide open for us. We confess that sometimes we get it wrong, and our picture of abundant living gets skewed by what we see presented in the world around us. Father, help us to realign to the truth and reality of living abundantly with You, no matter what our feelings or circumstances. When it all feels too much, too dark, too scary and uncertain, help us to redirect our focus to YOU, the only One who can supply all of our needs according to Your riches in glory. Teach us to number our days, and grow in wisdom. Help us to cultivate a contentment that enables us to stand firm on the rock of our salvation, and remain unshakeable And if we have a hard time today believing and hoping, sustain us with your mercy and grace until tomorrow. Fill us to overflow with Your Holy Spirit so that the fruit of His presence in our lives would produce a harvest of abundant love, joy, peace, patience, perseverance, kindness and gentleness. We ask for an increase in faith to continue to run our races well, for an increase in hope no matter our circumstances, and that we would remember to take shelter in the shadow of your wings. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

“Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us,”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭AMP‬‬