Well, here I am. Another turn around the sun. I have a a lot of words I could share about hopes, dreams and goals, but I want to talk to you about regret and missed moments. Ew. Right? Don’t run. Just hang with me a moment.

There aren’t many things in my life I regret, but there are a few things that make the short list. Some are inconsequential, and mostly just moments where I learned a lesson.

Like that one time I was texting my sister about how annoyed I was with my dad’s girlfriend, only, I wasn’t texting my sister. I texted the girlfriend.

Awkward. After some serious red face and awkward silence, I apologized.

There are two other regrets I have that I still mull over from time to time. I wonder if I would have done something differently, shifted or took the step, if today would look differently. I also wonder if I would have been more sensitive and recognized the moment for what it was, if…if…if…

Almost two decades ago, my husband and I had this friend. He was a pitiful character, and I feel like no one else noticed just how lost he was, but I saw it. See, I have this mamas heart that recognizes a lowly and lonely soul. When I see pitiful characters like this red-faced young guy, I feel like I need to scoop them up and hug them. And I don’t like hugs.

This guy was a baby faced turtle of a guy, super shy and he really came out of his shell when he was drinking. And he drank. A lot. His face would flush bright red, kind of tell-tell like mine. My face always tells on me. There are moments when I feel the red creeping over my neck and face, and despite my best efforts to will it away, it doesn’t work.

Anyway, this guy was a guy with two first names. He caught a lot of flack for that name. Mike Timm. The last time I saw him I was about 6 months pregnant and we were attending a send off for the unit before their deployment to Iraq. He asked if he could touch my rounded belly. He blushed a deep red as he lightly put his hand on my protruding bump, and asked if I’d been feeling ok. We laughed the night away at the soldiers who sang drunken karaoke lullabies, completely unaware of the storm to come.

Nearly four months later, I sat in the car outside of his barracks as my husband stopped in to check on him. He had been wounded during their deployment and sent back to the rear. A bullet wound in every limb. I had just had an emergency c- section, just (like two days prior), and I made the call to sit in the car with the baby while Bryan went in alone. I wondered what I could possibly say to him in my own numbness following that horrible, black Sunday that killed his friends.

We never saw him again. I never got to say goodbye to him, or tell him I was proud of his service. I never got to tell him it would be ok eventually. Instead, I stayed in the car because it was easier. I was paralyzed with a fear of saying the wrong things, and I thought I’d have the chance to say the things I wanted to say some other time.

It wasn’t a wrong choice, per se, but it is one I often wish I could get a do over for. If I could, I would choose to go in, wrap him up in a mama hug and ask him if he was doing ok, and let him know that we would always be there for him.

All of these years later I wonder. Did he make it? Is he really ok? Did he ever find his way? Does he have a family?

And in my quiet times of reflection and prayer, I pray that he never became a statistic of that horrible war, because 22 a day is a real number.

I might never know.

The second thing I would like a do-over for is similar. We lost a friend to suicide August 4, 2020. A couple of months before he passed away, I started to have a feeling I should reach out to him. I noticed something was off with his online activity, and I just had a nagging. I knew he struggled with PTSD.

Instead of reaching out and it being a slightly awkward “hey, so I noticed your Facebook doesn’t seem like you…” I never said a word.

I wonder now if it would have made a difference? I’m just me. But maybe him feeling seen by someone would have mattered?

Again, I’ll never know.

But, what I do know is that life doesn’t wait.

It doesn’t wait for us to get comfortable. It doesn’t wait for perfect timing, or carefully crafted words of wisdom. It doesn’t wait for things to be easy or convenient. It doesn’t wait for our confidence to catch up to the moment, or for us to be in a good place.

Occasionally I’ll drop by that second friends Facebook page that has turned into a memorial of sorts. The comments and sentiments shared by the friends left behind, have made me think extra hard about life.

We’ve all sat at funerals and listened to the outpouring of love, and how that person impacted those around them, but why do we wait? Why don’t we say those things today while they are alive to hear them? Why do we hold back our love for another day that may never come? Why do we wrap ourselves so tightly in how we’ll look or sound , so afraid of rejection or awkwardness that might follow?

A friend recently shared this same sentiment, and how she was sitting at a table and everyone was sharing how much someone meant to them because that person was leaving, and she couldn’t help but wonder why they had waited. Why didn’t they say this on normal days just because?

With that in mind I’ve thought really hard about these two regrets. I’ve considered how I’ve become more free with praise and life giving words. It’s something I definitely have to continue to practice, but I have it in my mind that I might not get this chance again.

Living in regret isn’t helpful. The hard facts are we can’t go back. We don’t get a do-over. We do, however, get the gift of hindsight. We get to choose to learn and grow and employ the things we’ve learned through that gift of hindsight.

In Alicia Britt Chole’s book, “40 Days Of Decrease” she says that “regret empties anticipation, flattens dreams, and suffocates hope, because regret is a form of self-punishment. Whereas hindsight helps us learn from the past, regret beats us up with the past.”

So today, let’s make the choice to stop beating ourselves up with regret. Instead, let’s evaluate those things we regret and move forward with wisdom. What did we learn? How can we do better in the future?

I know now that I might not get the chance again to tell a friend I love them and appreciate them. I am pushing forward through my red faced awkward and saying what needs to be said. And you know what? My heartfelt gratitude has never been been met with rejection. Most people want to know they are loved and appreciated.

Life doesn’t wait for special occasions, so why should you?

““Lord, make me to know my end, And what is the measure of my days, That I may know how frail I am. Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my age is as nothing before You; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor. Selah”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭39:4-5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬